Turn the flirt on

funny story. Sooooo here I am, at the hospital a-freakin-gain...(the word freaking makes me feel better) and in walks my anesthesiologist. And ohhh my gosh. This man is gorgeous. Like brad Pitts got nothing on him...so naturally I start flirting up a storm.....until he very pointedly mentions his wife!!!!uggg ring check!!!!guess who is outta practice. Yes. Me. So I instantaneously turn off the flirt which is hard cause once I get it going it doesn't like to stop. So they do the procedure. And they gave me different anesthesia and normally I cry when I wake up. Not the case this time. Propofol was better to me than it was to Michael Jackson.....This time I turned into the most flirty and complementary person in the galaxy. every nurse that came by I found something to overabundantly complement them on....and then, he walked over. Oh my gosh. I basically threw myself at him. As much as someone waking up from anesthesia can. I'm pretty sure I told him how good looking he was in every way you possibly can and I very well may have asked him to marry me but I can't remember for sure. What I do remember though, and this is super embarrassing is I for sure asked him for a hug!!!! Oh my gosh. I could absolutely die. No. Really. Like crawl under a Rock. Oh gosh I hope I never have to see him ever again.

Gall Bladder

alrighty, so these last couple weeks have been crazy, and one reason is because i had my gallbladder out. sooooo here is the story:

Starting at about midnight or midnight thirty on Thursday the17th my back started hurting pretty bad.  i couldn't get comfortable in bed and it made me SOOOOOO mad because that night my babies were sleeping like angels.  they ended up getting 9 whole hours! awesome! but i couldn't sleep at all.  starting around the 4 o clock feeding my stomach started hurting too, and i felt nauseous.  the more time went on the more it hurt.  i couldn't find a position that alleviated the pain.  by 8 that morning my mom came in and grabbed the twins to babysit so i could start to get a nap.

this is mean in pain.  fyi, but this isn't when the worst hit. 

 but a nap wasn't in the writing for me.  i decided to go for a bath since the hot water sounded like it might help my pain.  i also went for a blessing because i was hurting pretty bad, but my dad was outta town. so i asked him who i should ask who would be home at that time of the day, and he gave me a list of names, and i called the first one on the list, the missionaries.  they said they would be delighted to come over.

well then the bath just wasn't cutting it, so i got up and got dressed and went into the living room.  at that point the pain was pretty close to unbearable.  on the 1-10 scale it was like a 7.  i was literally rolling around all over the ground and couch writhing in pain.  no position helped, but the only two positions that didn't make it worse were different variations of fetal position.

Finally right before the Elders got to our house my mom asked me if the pain was localized and for the first time i realized it was.  it was right near the middle/right of my body and went all the way through to the back. My mom was an OB nurse for YEARS, and what i didn't realize is that it is extremely common for women who have just given birth to have their gallbladders go out on them.  and apparently i was showing the classic signs of that. so she said that after the elders gave me a blessing we were heading into the hospital.

The elders came and went and we spent about 20 more minutes looking for people to either give me a ride, or watch the babies.  Sandy Ekstrom came and gave me a ride to the ER and helped me to get checked in, and mom worked on finding someone to sit with the babies.  i regret to say, i was in so much pain i haven't the slightest who my angels are who watched the babies so mom could come be with me, but bless you whoever you are.  so we got checked in and they gave me pain medication, and ohhhhhhh my heck, that stuff is awesome.

Then they took me to get an ultrasound, and apparently the guy who took me was fairly cute, even with his earrings and tattoos ;) because i was super flirty....pain meds, remember.  not responsible for that! but in the ultrasound they found out.....drum roll.....yup.  gallstones like crazy! they were like everywhere! even I could see them without being told they were there.  i didn't know they were looking at my gallbladder, but i saw stones for sure!

but then the question was 1)do we do surgery now in the hospital? 2) do we do surgery later as an outpatient? 3)do we wait for me to have another painful attack and have it then?  so they admitted me and i got to wait for the doctor to tell me.  i had Dr John Droesch (said drow-sh) and i waited alllllll night and all morning for him. While i waited that night for him, Kaetoechi came to see me! she brought her Guitar and played me some sweet toons.  it was pretty rad.

Then finally the next morning he came to see me at 11 AM on Friday morning and we decided to do the surgery first thing Monday Morning.  so they sent me home with Pain Meds and well wishes.

Saturday was ok, a little painful, but the pain meds were great.  Sunday was ok.  i didn't make it to church because i had a bad cold on top of everything, but i did alright until that evening.  i went in to take a shower and get ready for the day around 3 or 4 pm....don't judge....and that's when it hit. the most intense pain i've ever felt in my life.  a 30 on the scale of 1-10.  my pain broke their freakin scale.  i can't describe it to you.  there literally aren't words.  but i'm going to try.  i was already embarrassed because as i said, i was in the shower when it hit.  my mom heard me screaming and rushed in to see what was happening and found me writhing in pain on the tub floor.  water still running.  i couldn't really make myself do anything other than scream and writhe.  she asked if i wanted to go to the ER again, and i did, but i couldn't convey that.  i couldn't control my body enough to make it get out of the tub.  somehow, with my mom's help i found myself on the bathroom floor instead of the tub, and she literally dressed me because i was incapable of doing the job myself.  ya.  as i said.  super embarassing.  and the worst part, oh my heck, i'm so vain.  my hair! half of it was wet and half wasn't! i didn't have long enough in the shower before the pain hit to get it wet and the part that was wet was only wet because of my moving around in pain.  she put it in some kind of ponytail for me and my bangs were sloppily hanging all of the place, unpinned and unstraightened and nasty from needing to be washed badly.  what kind of a vain goon cares about that in so much pain?  it's funny, because at that point, i didn't but looking back, i am mortified that i was seen like that.

anyway, by that point the pain hadn't deminished any, but somehow i was able to get myself into the car, and i just about died on the way when my door was locked, but luckily mom made it out pretty quick to unlock it.  through this whole thing i was screaming, but i was also throwing out random phrases like, "i'm going to die!" "i want to die" to which my mom reminded me that i had babies and what would they do without me?  i am normally pretty protective of my life, saying "i can't afford to die right now because if i do Brian will get the kids and the most important thing i can do as their mother is not let him have them.  he won't raise them in righteousness unto the lord." not that day.  i didn't care and was in enough pain i told the whole world so.  i believe i also said things like, "i can't do this!" "help me!" "Make it stop!" "Mommy, please let me die" "i'm going to passout!" "I hope i passout so it will stop!" and i'm pretty sure i repeated those randomly throughout the screams.

after an eternity we made it to the hospital i felt every bump.  every time we slowed down my desire to die was reinforced.  everytime we sped up the pain increased a 100fold.  when we got to the hospital i almost passed out walking in and then started crying when we got in because there were people waiting ahead of me.  My pride was completely gone by then. i didn't care what they thought of me, my screams and yelling didn't stop.  and luckily they were pretty quick to see me, though it felt like 500 eternities.  When i got to the bed i curled up into fetal position and just started rocking back and forth moaning. The nurses bended a rule or two to get me pain meds before they were supposed to, and i will be eternally grateful.  i honestly don't remember much after that.  apparently the Doctor saw me, and apparently my mom left.  she had placed both babies in my fathers terrified arms on the way out the door and said, "Good luck!" he's never been alone with both of them before and she needed to make sure all 3 were still alive.  i think i slept alot, but i don't really have any clue.  later that night i woke up in a different room. and shortly after i woke up i was blessed with 3 visitors.

First was Mama Maldonado. bless her.  it was her birthday.  and she used her time to visit me.  needless to say, i felt pretty special.  she read on FB that i was alone and in the Hospital and didn't want me to have to be alone.  i really WAS ok alone.  i'm not a wuss, though after me describing that pain some might think so, but i'm not.  after this last year, i've learned how to do alone.  i went to all my doctor appointments alone in utah, and at one point even went into the hospital alone when i was scared for the babies, thinking one of their sac's was leaking. so i CAN do alone, but bless her, because even though i can, i don't like to.  She stayed with me and talked with me for maybe an hour, until the Murray's came, and then she peace-outted. Ben and Sarah stayed with me for about an hour as well, and they had brought me a care package from my house.  (BYD was at my house that night so my parents had to host that, and Ben and Sarah were there for that and brought the package my mom prepared for me)

so after they left, my pain meds had worn off, but my pain had stopped as well, so i wasn't worried and i literally was about to go to sleep when i had another attack. the screaming and moaning started and i hit the nurse button ASAP and they brought me more meds, and they took FOREVER to work, but eventually did, and i drifted off into a sweet, peaceful, drug-induced sleep.  The next morning i woke up and went to surgery. and when i woke up....oh the fun started all over again.

I had forgotten that anesthesia makes me EXTREMELY emotional.  i feel so horrible for that poor nurse.  i woke up asking for Jesse, a very dear and sweet friend.  Then i started sobbing because i realized i was completely alone.  Then i got Angry.  I was so mad that Brian had left me.  i Shouldn't have to be alone, and i was here alone because of him.  I didn't understand why he left me, and i guess it still bothered me, though without anesthesia to take away my walls i had built i didn't realize it.  so the poor nurse heard the whole story about how he left me pregnant with twins, and how angry i was, and how confused i was, how i didn't understand, because quite frankly, i was a pretty awesome wife, and a great girl and i didn't see how he could leave and i didn't understand what he saw in his new wife.  she wasn't as pretty as me (again, i'm so vain!) and she wasn't a member of our church, and she smoked, and drank, and did drugs, and had tattoos all over the place and i didn't understand what she had that i didn't.

so the second i got back to my room i texted my mother and told her how scared and sad and alone i was and she rushed in, and before she came i, unprotected by my normal walls, texted Brian a bunch of questions that normally would have made me feel too vulnerable to ask, that i wouldn't have even cared about asking under normal situations. we actually ended up having a very effective and insightful texting conversation that helped me to understand what he was thinking through the whole thing, and finally i am at peace with it.  i understand why he left.  i found out that he was actually just angry and made a hasty decision and wanted me to fight him on it.  well i DID for about 24 hours, and when he again and again told me that he had made up his mind and wasn't going to change it for that whole time, i said, OK, Fine.  and started figuring out where i was going to live.  I told him during this conversation how ridiculous it was for him to expect me to know what he was thinking without him telling me.  that's really the whole reason our relationship failed right there.  apparently he had been struggling for a whole year but he never was able to openly communicate that to me, so we never worked on those things.  i never knew that he was struggling.  ok, that's a lie.  i DID know he was struggling, but i didn't know that I was the root of that struggle and that his problem was with ME and OUR MARRIAGE.  i thought he was having an INNER struggle.  so him wanting to leave was really something a long time in the making, but i just didn't know.  And due to him feeling so upset in his marriage, that whole last year (and might i say longer)  he treated me like crap.  he became borderline abusive, neglectful, manipulative, controlling, etc. so after i spent that 24 hours trying to change his mind, and once i realized he wasn't going to,  no wonder it was so easy for me to walk away.  i NEVER would have left my temple marriage.  but him doing so allowed me out of a horrible situation without being at blame....so i felt relieved.  anyway.  there is more to that story for another day, but that was the jist.

so mom got there and the nurse said that the rules were that ones i could go the the bathroom on my own, keep down food on my own, and take my pain medication by mouth i could go home, so i set to that task. she told me walking the halls would help me too, so we did, and i soon discovered that i was actually a super hero.  The student nurse had given me the yellow gown, which she didn't realize actually meant that the patient was a falling risk.  no wonder everyone treated me weird. but it was super small and didn't cover my cute little tushy so well, so she gave me another gown for the back.  :) which very quickly became my cape while walking the halls.  but it didn't make enough swuishing noises so my mouth had to help.  Then i looked down at my right hand and realized that my IV pole was obviously actually my light-saber in disguise.  and the lovely socks they made me wear made me fly! and my sweet yellow gown was actually the power of the sun that i had captured which allowed me to share light at my discretion. yaaaaaa....pain meds.  love em!

so the Doctor came in to tell me about my surgery and how it went.  taking the gall bladder out went without a hitch.  buuuuuut they ran Dye through my system and it was getting stuck before it hit my stomach at my sphincter.  which, let me tell you, on pain meds is a pretty funny word. and that was either because it was spazzing out or because there was a stone blocking it, but my labs didn't make it seem like there was a stone, so he wasn't super worried.

so they sent me home....but oh wait! i still was having really bad pain after eating and even when i ate only fat free foods.  i also was throwing most everything i ate up without it being digested at all.  soooooo apparently it seems like it might be a stone...or something.  so on Thursday they had me to into the hospital for more tests and they were inconclusive.  so friday he tried to find a GI doctor for me, but they all had gone out of town for the weekend, so they gave me more pain meds and said good luck till tuesday!

So all weekend i was in pretty bad pain a few hours every time after i ate.  i threw up almost all of what i ate.  it was pretty horrible.  and not to give out TMI, but really, like i care.  you don't have to read it if you don't want, but when i was throwing up i was throwing up food from hours before that was completely undigested.  pretty naaaaasty! it didn't matter what i ate, fat free, fat full, carbs, no carbs.....the whole meal deal, hardly anything.  basically if something went in my mouth and down my throat it caused pain and vommitting.  i lost 5 pounds at least this weekend! effective weightloss plan eh?

so tuesday comes and Dr Awesome pants...AKA Droesch found a GI doc for me.  his name is Boon...well it's actually longer than that....but it's like Vietnamese or something and noone can remember or pronounce it so everyone calls him Dr Boon. he said that it sounds like i have a stone that passed through the gallbladder before it was removed and was stuck in the something track....or something like that.  they are going to do a procedure on Thursday where i go to sleep and they send a cute little scope thing down my throat and try to fix the problem with their mind bullets....they will keep me over night to check for any of the many complications that apparently can come from the procedure. He had me go take a blood test on Tuesday and as long as that shows weird ensyme levels in  my liver than we are a go, otherwise, i have to have an MRI because he won't do the procedure without more proof that a blocked stone is the issue.

Problem is, the last time i felt this pain was Monday....and since then.....i haven't.  Tuesday i ate basically whatever i wanted.  i had Angel Food cake, Steak, Asparagus, corn on the cob with butter, Salad with Ranch, a snickers bar, 3 cookies, a banana and peanut butter and broken up bits of a symphany candy bar, an english muffin with butter.....and all of this was AFTER my Doctors appointment because i hadn't felt pain alll day and was excited, hoping that maybe the stone had passed on its own.  It's a hard line to toe though.  because i'm double insured until thursday.  so if they admit me thursday and i stay longer than that counts as Thursday for insurance.  buuuuuut if we THINK i've been magically healed and we don't do the procedure then sometime later i flare up again and we have to do it, then it's going to be a ton more expensive.  so i suppose we will wait for what the lab shows.  i also have an appointment with Dr D Dizzle Tomorrow, Wednesday, and i'll let him know what's going on and grab his stellar advice.  but wouldn't it be great if it passed on it's own?  and if i DONT have to be hospitalized again?  yayayaya! i'll keep ya updated!

Thoughts on dating again....

Written on 5-5-12

i'm a little emotionally exhausted today. but i learned something. i'm not quite as ready to "get back on the horse" as they say as some people would like me to be. that isn't something i have to apologize for. it's not even something i realized until recently. the idea of talking to a guy in real life with the intention of flirting is enough to make me nauseous. there are those that would tell me to force myself. to grow a pair. to be brave. and to them, i say, Why?! why should i have to be ready today? i shouldn't. i want to be, but i'm not. i am too busy snuggling my babies to have time to think about getting out there. If Mr Right knocked down my door this second, i might make time for him, but i can't go looking for him right now. I'll miss my babies growing up if i do. at least that is how i feel tonight. tomorrow is another story.

new thought.....
i have a completely different outlook on life and and a different personality now than i did last time i was in the dating world. then, i was the life of the party. i was the one who was outgoing and vivacious and fun. i was so out there that everyone in the ward knew me. now....i'm just not that person. i still care about people. i still am fun loving, but I am much more content to watch the party from the sidelines. people watching...who knew. it can be fun. i am more cautious. i want to sit back and watch/observe before saying or doing anything. i don't want to make the first move anymore. that makes dating a whole new beast. In some ways i think it's good. if i'm not making a fool of myself, or initiating the first move, then if a guy does make that first move i know it's because HE wanted to, not because i made him, or made him feel guilty or something.

Blogging...obviously not my strength in life

hey all. so i haven't even attempted blogging lately because i'm lazy.....because i'm busy.....because i'd rather be spending time with my children.....because i'd rather watch numb3rs. lets be honest. probably all of the above. but lets see if i can catch you up. or at least fill you in on anything current.

We are attempting to get my babies on a schedule. we decided that for sanity's sake at least at night, we HAVE to be on a schedule.

starting around the 5-6 o'clock feeding we nurse, do an activity like tummy time, back time, for lexi even work on sitting. that child is ridiculously strong. we read a book. well. a couple pages before they scream, Shake odd toys in front of their faces annoyingly, in hopes of keeping them awake...oh and stimulating their brains.

-then is my favorite part! BATHTIME! my babies love bathtime! they are so cute in the bath! the relax and start looking around. and they looooove having their hair scrubbed. they will turn their heads all like, "yo, mama, you missed a spot. a little to the left please. oh and don't forget the back!!!" Then we use my mom's awesome sink to spray them down...like a mini shower. they loooove that part. Then the dreaded cold. they HATE being taken out of the bath and scream and scream and scream while i get hem dried off, get their diaper on, lotion them up, and get their clothes back on.

-Next we swaddle them tighter than a bug in a rug. they are pretty adorable that way. my little burritos!

-then it's medicine time. Both of my babies have reflux, meaning they spit up like crazy. so we give them medicine morning and night. the medicine makes them fussy for about an hour.

-after medicine we try to bottle feed them if they'll take it, but at that point they are usually so exhausted that they just go to sleep. they usually sleep for 3-5 hours :):):):):):)
-once they are both completely out we take them into my room. we turn out the lights and close the blinds and use the white noise app on my phone to create a delightful ambiance for them. also the white noise helps to keep them asleep if i make too much noise.
-after that, anytime one of them wakes, i wake the other for feeding. we keep the lights low for this.
-6 am hits, and they are usually ready to be awake. so we turn on the lights, open the curtains, turn off the white noise and turn on what i like to call party music. which is basically a bunch of country, and show tunes.
-then i feed them and then change their diapers, and put them into the cutest outfits i can find, and lay them on my bed.

-at that time they look at the light coming from the open curtain.....like for an hour straight. it's awesome. i use that time to clean my room, shower, and get dressed.
-at 8 am i give them their medicine and snuggle with them until they fall asleep or at least calm down. during the day we don't have as much of a schedule other than keeping them in light areas, and not letting them fall asleep while eating or directly after. after each feeding we like to do activity time with them. then we start all over.
sometimes during the day we'll go out and do things like Take mommy to weight watchers, or go visiting teaching, or things like that. other times we'll go on walks. looooong walks. Apparently babies like to sleep on walks, so we do them lots.

Highlights of the night

Written on 4-18-12:

Lexi looking adorable after eating

The huge gross spider I killed to protect my children
Lincoln learning a new cry that sound like a hyena (sp) laughing.
Texting my friend Scott who works graves in Utah to see how he is doing
Thinking about my friend matson who had this elmo thing while putting an Elmo diaper on my child.
Lexi pooping a freshly changed diaper 3 times in a row and grinning the whole time
Me deciding to shower in the middle of the night while babies were being good. They screamed from the second I got in the shower to the second I got out, then were silent the second the water turned off. Silly babies.
Me not being able to find my towel or clothes after the shower and running around the house naked looking for the clean laundry. Hope no one was on the golf course at 5 am today. If so, they got a show.
Children crying every time I lay down and stopping when I sit up. They think they are SOOO funny.

First day of gramma back to work

Written on 4-13-12:

Luckily Jordan and Mandee were still here for mom's first day back at work. Last night I handled the babies on my own then this morning Jordan and Mandee let me nap for a whole sleep cycle. Heaven!!!!!

Once I got up and fed them and pumped we decided to go play tennis. So we loaded the babies and sawyer into strollers and went. Jordan had to help me with the hills because of my c section but we did way good!!!! On the way there it was all downhill:) then I sat on a blanket and enjoyed the sunshine(and wind) while Jordan and Mandee demonstrated kindly for me how to play tennis, or fetch might be a better description.

It was so nice to just sit outside with my babes and enjoy the world. But alas. Soon it got super windy and we decided it was best times to leave. Making the rest Of the journey uphill. Bless Jordan heart, he did the hard work!

My stroller is wonderful. It's actually way easy to push. Easier than a grocery cart actually. But it had a flat tire making it  a little harder than normal. But Jordan knows where moms tire pump is and is planning to fix it. Yay!!!!

Night from H-E double hockey sticks.

This was about 2 weeks after they were here:

Holy cow. Two kids at once = handful!!!!!

Linc, who is normally my chill sleepy baby screamed all night long. I tried everything I could think of. I think he was gassy and it was causing him pain. But Lexi slept like an angel. Which was good.... until I had to set him down, allow him to scream, wake her up to feed her at 3.5 hrs, just to have her join his screams.

No sleep for the mama. Thank heavens I can sleep in the morning.

....halfway through the night...

As I'm changing my little dude the ring they put on him during circumcision fell off. I'm sitting here thinking, "no wonder he is screaming. This is how he was that day too!!!!!" I think the poor little guy was hurting as that ring was adjusting enough to fall off. They had us do baby tylenol the first couple days so I just did some for him now. Hope that's ok!