I
really want to talk about a topic that I feel like nearly all women struggle
with and often men as well. Self Esteem, Self Image, Confidence, Divine Nature,
Eternal worth. I am going to share why first.
There
is a woman I know who shall go unnamed. This woman is a mother of grown
children. Her children are some of the kindest and most thoughtful people I
know. This woman not only WOULD but HAS dropped everything to help me more
times in the last 2 years than I can count on one hand. This woman has a job
and is good at what she does. This woman has held many callings in the church
and has helped woman feel their saviors love time and time over again. She is
kind and caring and thoughtful. She is supportive and helpful. She taught me
valuable lessons about organization that she doesn't even know she taught me.
She taught me to value family pictures. This woman is Christ like to her core.
I haven't ever heard her be unkind to or towards another soul. She is the very
definition of good.
This
woman also has the lowest self esteem of anyone I have ever met. When she is
complimented she immediately brushes it off, somehow saying that it isn't so.
She simply can't believe that she is worth what those around her tell her she
is worth. Seeing this breaks my heart. I
wish so deeply that I could mind meld with her so she could see herself through
my eyes.
This
story could be about so many woman I know. It is about one particular woman,
but I can think of 3 or 4 others who fits this general description off the top
of my head. This cannot continue. It is so wrong at its core.
You
see, We are Daughters of God. (I write this to the women, but it applies to the
men as well) We are daughters of a king. We are as dear to him....dearer to him
even....as our children are to us. I look at my sweet innocent perfect babies
and they haven't learned this horrible behavior yet. They haven't learned how
to do anything but shine. One of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson is a
great place to start. I feel like if we all have the base understanding that
she shares in this quote we will all be able to move forward on this journey
together. She says:
“Our deepest fear is
not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually,
who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not
serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children
do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not
just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Let's
look at why this rings so true. Think about Children. Think about specific
children in your life. Try to think about children under the age of 3 if
possible. I am going to think about Lexi and Lincoln. Can you imagine me, their
mother, telling Lexi, "Lexi, You look so beautiful today!" and having
her reply, "No! Mom! I am not. I am ugly. You see, my thighs are too big,
and I don't have a perfect smile." As her mother I would be crushed. She
is my sweet daughter. She is absolutely perfect in every way. She is beautiful
not because she could be a baby model, (though she easily could) but she is
beautiful because she is mine. She is beautiful because she delights in
learning. She is beautiful because she loves her brother and misses him when he
is gone. She is beautiful because she is curious. She is beautiful because she
exists. Can you imagine me telling Lincoln, "Lincoln! You did it! You are
so smart!" and having him reply, "No! Mom! I am not. I never do
anything as quickly as Lexi. She always gets everything before I do. I really
must be a dummy." NO!!!! Sweet boy! Those things are not true! Your value
and your worth are not dependent on another person's value or worth or success.
You are smart regardless of anyone else. You're brain and your body worked
together to learn how to walk, to sort shapes, to say such sweet precious
words, to nod when your people pick the right food for lunch. You are smart
because you can connect actions and reactions. Your value has nothing to do
with anyone else. You have value because you are mine. You have value because I
see every missed step and every time you get back up and try again. I see all
of your failures, and I see all of your successes. You are precious because you
don't know how to stop trying. When I look at you, my sweet boy, I don't see
how many times you failed to say mama. I see the time you got it. I live for
it.
Can't
we see? Can't we understand? God see's us that way. We screw up somehow. For
some it's feeling like we don't give enough, for others we aren't spiritual
enough, for some its morality, for others its drugs. It doesn't matter what it
is. God isn't up there mocking us for our failures. He isn't up there laughing
at us for our imperfections. He is up there cheering us on just like we cheer
our babies on while they learn to walk. He is grinning ear to ear with joy as
we take our steps closer to him, even when we fall between our progresses. He
could have the same conversations with us. "Oh my child. Can't you
understand? You are of worth because you are mine. You are beautiful because
you are kind, thoughtful and caring. You are smart because you try again and again
until you succeed." If we could see ourselves through his eyes we wouldn't
feel the need to hang our head in shame when we are complimented and deflect it
with a deep feeling of unworthiness.
Maybe
this has helped someone understand their worth, but some of you, like me, might
need something more solid than a vivid word picture. How can you gain
confidence and gain self esteem when we feel like we are at the bottom of the
barrel so to speak? And backing up a step, Dana, Why are you qualified to talk
to us about this in the first place? Well, I am human and I have my
imperfections, but somehow though my experiences I have come out the other side
stronger. I believe in myself even though I fail again and again. I know that I
am beautiful, even though I can still see those pounds I would love to lose. I
know that I am worth love even though sometimes I feel unlovable. I don't know
that confidence and self esteem are areas anyone will ever be perfect in, but I
believe that improving our self image will also improve our quality of life and
our happiness. How am I qualified? I might not be, but I have to try. I can't
stand back any longer without making an effort to help others become beacons of
light.
I
cannot 100% explain what happened to me. By all accounts, I shouldn't have the
confidence I do. I was left by my husband for another woman. You would think
that would make me feel worthless and empty, but I feel more now than ever
before the worth of MY soul and the worth of every detail that is included in
that pretty little soul. I may not be able to explain 100% HOW it happened, but
I can do my best to explain the parts I DO understand in the hopes that someone
out there can take it and run with it. So I analyzed what changes, actions,
events, belief systems, etc happened in my life that affected my view of myself
and came up with a few thoughts. Take them or leave them.
1. At one point someone
pointed out to me that anytime someone complemented me I deflected. I said
things like, "you must be blind." or "You're wearing rose
colored glasses." or "You must be crazy. I am not that great." I
essentially was outright calling anyone who complemented me a liar. I could not
believe any of the complements in my head, and so out loud I reinforced that
they must not be true. This is one behavior that changed. I set for myself a
rule. When I was complemented I was not allowed to say anything but "Thank
you. That was very kind of you." I started there. But I added later that
even in my brain, I wasn't allowed to deny their words. I forced myself to
believe them. When someone called me beautiful, I consciously thought to
myself, they wouldn't have said that if they didn't see something beautiful in
me. I may have physical imperfections, but I am beautiful because even just one
person see's me as such.
2. Another change I made
that really helped me to see the beauty and Christ-like attributes in myself
was consciously notice and complement those attributes in others. I had learned
something about myself earlier. When I am more judgmental about those around
me, I tend to be more judgmental of myself. So when I consciously tried to give
others the benefit of the doubt and only find the good in them, it actually
made it easier to find the good and wholesome parts of myself as well. A second
purpose that this accomplished was helping me see what others feel when they
complement me and I essentially respond by telling them they must be lying. When
I am actively looking for the good in someone and then I take the time to
express to them how wonderful I think they are from my observations and they
simply refuse to believe me, it almost felt like an insult. It felt like I was
being called a liar. It felt like my views and opinions were viewed as
worthless or not valid. Suddenly I was able to see that others might feel that
way when they complemented me as well. Maybe they REALLY did think I looked
beautiful. Maybe they really didn't notice my huge zit on my face and my belly
budge sticking out. Maybe they really noticed the soul of a child of God
peaking through my imperfect body and maybe they really found it to be
beautiful.
3. Another action that
helped my confidence to grow in a completely different way was something my mom
taught me in high school that I learned by experience later in life. I
struggled seriously bad with depression and worthlessness. In high school I
literally had rock bottom self esteem. I couldn't understand why or how anyone
could love me. I felt like a waste of space. My mom and I were driving one day
talking about it and she said something that changed my life. I wish I could
directly quote her, but I can only convey the idea, which was if you want to
feel impressed with yourself, you have to do something that will impress
yourself. Somehow that thought struck a chord with me. I made a few goals that
were challenging to me, but not unreachable. I worked hard and achieved my
goals and suddenly I felt a little better about myself. I must have worth
because I could do something of value. I learned this lesson again and again. I
did cross country in HS and I literally came in last in EVERY
race....like....10 minutes behind the last person kind of last. I was told to
quit by my coach. By my friends. Even by my mom. But I couldn't. I had to prove
to myself that I could do hard things, and that was the best thing I could have
done. When you do something awesome enough to impress yourself, it's a lot
easier to feel like an impressive person, worth being loved. Every time my self
esteem rose throughout the next few years it was because I worked hard and was
able to achieve a goal. I grew up being told I was a ditzy dumb blonde and let's
be honest, I earned the title more and more the more I was called it. Well I
still have my moments, but through hard work in several different jobs I was
able to rise up and receive promotions. I saw other people who I admired and
respected get these promotions before me. I could see their worth. Can you
imagine how great it felt to work hard and see myself suddenly in their shoes
for my efforts?
4. The fourth thing that
made the biggest difference in my life was turning to Christ. I made a
commitment as a young girl that nothing that happened to me would ever shake my
testimony. Growing up I understand it better. My commitment wasn't that hard
things wouldn't make me re-discover my faith in a newer and deeper way. My
commitment was that no trial that happened could make me change course. My course
would always be to fight for faith not fear. To allow Christ to heal instead of
turning to things of the world. My commitment was to never turn my back on him.
I cannot explain how this improved my self confidence tangibly, but my
commitment to him is a huge part of why I feel so comfortable in my skin. The
realizations that I had at the beginning of this post about how my worth to God
is more than my children's worth to me, only came because I was doing the
things I needed to be doing. I was praying. I was going to church. I was
reading my scriptures. I was going to Institute. Doing these things allowed me
to be in the places I needed to be to feel the things I needed to feel so that
I could heal. So that I could not allow the actions of someone else to canker
my soul. So that I could feel the complete freedom that comes with complete
forgiveness. Christ not only healed me, but he gave and continues to give me
glimpses of myself through his eyes, and man! It is a wonderful sight.
You
see, I am a daughter of God. I have infinite possibilities. I can be whatever I
chose to be. I have worked hard to become a woman of faith. I have worked hard
to develop attributes like kindness, thoughtfulness, caring, gratitude,
gentleness, sweetness, and persistence. I can see my flaws and not be imprisoned
by them but be liberated by the knowledge that I can grow past them. I am
beautiful and not because I fit the definition of worldly beauty, but because I
am created in the Lords image. I am beautiful because I am his creation. I am
beautiful because I am his and he doesn't create anything but beauty. I am
smart. My intelligence doesn't have to be compared to my brothers, my friends,
or my co-workers. I am intelligent because I am diligent and will keep trying
until I understand. I am compassionate and empathetic because I have walked the
less walked path. I am not judgmental because I have made too many of the same
mistakes myself.
I really hope that I am not
misunderstood. The goal of this post is not to brag about how infinitely
awesome I am. the goal of this post is to use my experience to help even just
one person see how infinitely awesome THEY are. I hesitate to even post this
entry because I don't want my motives to be misunderstood. But I am counting on
the hope that someone out there will see the light I am shining through my
words, and that something I have written will help them let their light shine so
they can "unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
